Do You Feel Like You Have Contact With Your Partner Even After He/She Has Passed?

I realize for many this is a woo-woo topic.

But today I had a conversation with the man who was cutting my hair, and we found ourselves discussing this topic. He had lost a partner to cancer several years ago. For months after the death, he experienced what he believed were connections with his deceased partner.

They had decided years ago to put a gate on the fence that enclosed their yard. The gate had a key, and they frequently joked about how they were destined to lose the key. Not surprisingly, one day the key disappeared, not to be found anywhere. Then after the partner died, and after every inch of the house had been searched for the missing key, guess what? One evening when my hairdresser came home from work, there was the gate key, lying smack in the center of the living room rug -- obvious to anyone who entered the room.

Other people I know have reported the favorite books of the deceased partner suddenly found on the kitchen table or on the floor in the middle of the garage. Others have told stories of electric appliances going on and shutting off without this-worldly intervention. And others have spoken about electric lights flashing in patterns during the dinner hour or when a favorite TV show is on.

This is more than feeling an ongoing connection or having the partner live on in memory. I think many of us recognize that experience.

But have any of you had what might be called extra-sensory experiences or physical manifestations of your deceased partner's presence. Like I said at the beginning, this is a topic way over the line of comfort for many, a topic that extends into the twilight zone... but I do wonder and would like to know.....

What Makes Relationships Work?

From an article in the Guardian in which Kate Figes', author of a new book, Couples: The Truth, discusses her research into modern relationships:


"In the course of her research, Figes cheerfully demolished a number of long-standing myths about ­couples. One in three marriages ends in ­divorce? Not true. The risk of divorce varies hugely according to age, class and length of marriage. Once you've survived the first seven years, the risk of divorce drops dramatically. Marriage kills passion? Not true. People in long-term relationships have more and better sex than single people. A lack of commitment is to blame for relationships breaking down? Not true. On average, couples stick together for six years before taking steps to bail out."

"A key component of successful ­relationships, she discovered, is flexibility. "It comes through very clearly from the interviews: the most successful ­relationships are flexible enough to change and adapt. Nobody is perfect, and no relationship is perfect. Unless you can change your expectations, you're bound to be terribly disappointed."

"Another fundamental ingredient for success seems to be honesty. Figes nods vigorously. "Being honest about who you are and what you want is ­vital. Otherwise, how do you each know where you stand? Without real honesty, you don't stand a hope in hell."

"You have to learn to ask yourself, 'what is it about me that's making me feel this way?', not just blame things on the other person."

"Bad relationships are clearly harmful in many ways, but one of the things I've learned from writing this book is the overwhelming power of good that comes from good relationships – mind, body and soul. We don't give that nearly enough credit."

Caregivers: Do You Tell Your Ill Partner About Your Stress?

Typically, the bulk of the attention goes to the partner who has the health condition.

Doctors, nurses, clinics, & hospitals make appointments with the ill partner. They run tests on the ill partner to assess the status of the condition. At home, care providers - aides, physical therapists, visiting nurses - focus on the ill partner to find out how s/he is doing and to assess what adjustments might need to be made in her/his care.

Family members, colleagues, and friends call to find out how the ill partner is doing. Even empathic pets tend to curl up next to the ill partner.

And even the well partner focuses most of his/her attention on taking care of the comfort and daily living needs of the ill partner.

So - who is paying attention to the well partner, to the caregiving partner?

Often the answer is no one, not really, not in a sustained way. Yet the physical and emotional stress the caregiving partner suffers is huge. And often s/he feels s/he must keep it boxed up, put on a shelf for later; not to be shared with the ill partner for fear of overtaxing him/her.

The caregiver has not only lost the partner s/he knew, along with the dream of a predictable future, but s/he has also lost his/her best friend and confidante.

Caregivers -- to what extent do you share your stress, your burdens, your worries, your reality with your ill partner? If you have, what has been the result, for you and for your ill partner? If you don't share your stress with your ill partner, what do you do with it?

Does the PTSD of Illness & Pain Ever Go Away?

I developed tendonitis in my right wrist -- probably from using an external mouse on my computer. I saw a doctor. Got a removable splint to wear and was told not to strain my wrist. No big deal, and no PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).

A few day later, I sliced open two fingers on a sharp metallic edge of a tray I did not notice was so sharp. Blood gushed. I could see the fat layer of my fingers. I used the voice (you know the one. We all have it in serious situations where obedience is required and no questions are to be asked) to tell Richard - I need you to drive me to the emergency room, now.

I was fine during the waiting and the stitching. I joked with the doctor, got to know her life story, gave her recommendations for local restaurants.

Then, over the next few days, I was either hyper or low-per -- unable to sit for more than two minutes or unable to get out from under the fleece blanket and off the couch. I either felt feathery, as if gravity were not strong enough to hold me down; or I felt compressed & dense, as if I were the center of a cosmic black hole.

I was hypervigilant about the wound -- checking it a few times an hour to see if there were any signs of infection or to see if a stitch had come loose. I held my fingers under a fluorescent light. I examined them with a magnifying glass.

Within the course of a ten day period, I made two visits to the surgical physician's assistant and two more to after hours care. I was sure something had gone wrong.

As I was experiencing all this, I also had the awareness to ask myself if my excessive scrutiny might not be a leftover from the terrible fear of things going wrong that chronic pain can infuse into one's very cells. The answer was - Yes. I knew my behavior reeked of PTSD; but I couldn't stop it. I needed repeated confirmation that everything was OK.

In fact, one doctor I saw told me there were no signs of infection. But a few days later, the surgical physician's assistant I saw confirmed that I did have an infection, still in its early stages. I was relieved she caught it. But the misdiagnosis only reinforced my watchfulness.

Now, about three weeks after the finger slicing, I am calming down. I trust it's healing, as it was meant to do.

But when will the PTSD of living with pain finally heal?

TheValue of Depression & Anxiety

From an article by Dr. Xavier Amador in the Huffington Post. He argues that depression & anxiety have distinct benefits. They cause us to connect with each other.

What do you think?
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"Early in its development I was asked by the producers of the PBS Program "This Emotional Life" to consult with them about their examination of human emotions. One thing I recall saying to them at the outset was that our species evolved to feel a wide range of emotions-including some negative emotions--that served to connect us to one another. I remember one producer being surprised when I said this. She smartly asked "How can depression or anxiety help propagate our species?" ..........My comment was aimed at everyday episodes of depressed mood which, I argued, are normal and exist for a reason. They cause us to connect. When we are sad, people reach out to us and we feel the desire to be held, cared for, loved. Anxiety often has the same effect. And when we come together we can then pursue common causes such as the search for food, creating shelter, defense against predators -- our genes survive and are passed on to the next generation."

What is Your New Year's Resolution to Your Partner?

This time of year talk shows and articles are full of discussions about New Year's resolutions. They tend to be pledges one makes to oneself about oneself. Pledge such as:

• exercise more
• eat healthier foods
• give up smoking
• be more assertive
• start a blog
• live a more green lifestyle
• etc., etc.

But what resolutions do you want to make to your partner, about your relationship? These are the harder ones to reveal and to keep. They involve exposing deeper, more emotional frailties and making commitments out loud to another person.

Would you resolve to:

• Listen with an open heart
• Accept your partner's invisible pains as real and not as malingering
• Appreciate (out loud) all the caretaking your partner does for you
• Find more ways to play and have fun together
• Instead of shrinking into your shell, reach out and tell your partner what's bothering you
• Just hold each other more
  

• What would you add to this list?